I have an aversion to mess. It curls my toenails. It gives me heartburn. I snap my eyes shut to “mess making” commercials because they tempt me to hurl myself into the TV and say “STOP – DON’T DO IT!”
So for this girl who was voted “Most Organized” in her graduate school class, I’m seriously struggling with my new mess. What does it look like? A bird’s eye view would reveal my serious health issues with a side of special needs parenting on steroids. In short, I’m a tad stressed in my mess.
I know we all have mess. I know life only gets messier, but for me, the messier it gets, the more frustrated I get. I want my life to be like checking off clean, neat boxes on an online form. No blurry edges, no smears – both aesthetically pleasing and efficient.
Newsflash to self: “Life isn’t that way!” Perhaps I was spoiled by a relatively “mess free” beginning to my life? Maybe it set an expectation that life should always be a walk down Perfection Lane?
Perhaps you remember that moment when your life changed from clean screen boxes to messy streaks and struggles? Maybe your struggles started early in life? Maybe your struggles are behind you but leave their impression on the pages of your memory? Maybe they never end and stain your daily life, bleeding off the page of your sanity?
I’ve been quiet over the last year and a half. My life has honestly been more overwhelming than I care to share. Even now, I struggle to write this. I stress over what to share and not. The thought of hurting anyone in my life by sharing this doubles my soul over in pain. I wonder whether you’ll think me indulgent in my distress or see something of yourself in my struggle. I wonder if you’ll think I use the word “struggle” too much! I can’t decide how much to share because I’m still trying to process my new reality, and I fear your opinion of whether I’m handling it all well or not. With everything I do, I consider whether it will cause me more pain. I run like a mad woman from anything that might cause me an ounce more pain! I know, I’m a “pain chicken!”
All that stress aside, I think I’m supposed to share my mess. For selfish reasons, I think it helps me heal. But what I love most is that sharing my mess invites you to face yours with me. And when we face our mess, we can find our way to freedom in Christ.
Although I am wrestling with Christ and my faith now in a BIG way, one thing I know is that each time I return to Him, He is always there for me with loving hands of forgiveness. Even after all the offensive questions I’ve asked Him lately! I forget His gifts constantly, and try to strive without Him, but each time, I run out of gas. I find myself in a heaping pile of tears and self loathing, because only He is enough to take on my pain and my mess.
So, I’m trying to hand my mess over to Him. Want to try with me? Let’s try not to forget that He is always there for us, even when we have sought solace in life’s pleasures to seal off our hurting hearts and His love.
He can handle our mess. Even better, He molds it into a beautiful sculpture of hope that strengthens our souls. Please help us all remember this when we sink into suffering and self indulgence threatens to steal us from His embrace! That is my prayer for you, me and us all today!
“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-5