“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous — how well I know it.” (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV)
“What is she thinking?”
That’s the question I ask myself hundreds of times each day.
She is our twelve-year-old daughter, who happens to have Down syndrome.
She is significantly delayed cognitively and physically, more than even most children with Down syndrome.
She is also a spit-fire strawberry blond who loves to run, laugh, listen to music, and give us a tween “stink eye” when she doesn’t get her way.
She is a gift from God who checks our “pride monsters” at the door.
She reminds us to slow our pace to God’s “unforced rhythms of grace” (Matthew 11:28-30, MSG).
She is so many things, just as we all are.
We are each a unique life bundle. Our lives are canvases of characteristics painted by our actions, choices, and thoughts.
And this is where my throat lumps. What are our daughter’s thoughts? Specifically, her deepest thoughts? Selfishly, I want to hear them because that’s how I connect on a soul level with others. I want to touch her soul with my words, but it’s like a wisp in the wind. I can see it – almost grab it sometimes when she peers into my eyes – but then it dances away on gusts beyond my reach…
Our daughter with Down syndrome does speak a few words, but oftentimes they’re out of context. That said, her immediate physical needs motivate her to speak in context… like “want to eat,” “cookie,” or “please.” Her spoken word bank tops out around 10 to 20.
She has never used words to express how she feels, however. For feelings, she employs physical-behavioral means, which come in the form of a broad smile after that cookie, a hoe-down-worthy stomping after being told “no,” or her go-to for “mad:” a sit-down-and-won’t-budge.
Since she isn’t able to express her feelings with words, I feel distance between us. I’m a verbal processor. Words, language, and conversation are like oxygen to me. Our other two children adeptly express themselves with words – sometimes too well! Why can’t I have that with our twelve-year-old daughter?
This is when I plaintively pray for a device to plug into her brain that reports her thoughts!
Where is technology when I truly need it? I want to know whether she knows God. I want to know whether she loves me. I want to know whether she is happy living in our home.
God then tenderly taps me on the shoulder, interrupting my reverie. He reminds me of His truth about our girl: “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5).
And I melt. Our girl, in all her meekness, is set for a beautiful inheritance.
Perhaps she has already moved to a higher plane and has a direct line to the deepest One of all? Maybe her unique-to-Down-syndrome Brushfield spots – tiny stars in her deep blue irises – were placed there by God to remind me of the mysteries and the majesties of His vast universe? Maybe He is just reminding me that my meager human understanding will always be just that? (Proverbs 3:5)
Maybe I’m the one with the shallow connection to God?
Maybe I’m not meant to connect with her the way I want to now – at least not on this earth? Maybe I’m to wait until we reunite in eternity? If so, I can’t wait to plug into her beautiful soul on that glorious day! I long to collect all her hopes, dreams, and deepest desires…
And this is when gratitude creeps in.
God knows me so well. He knows how to draw me close. With a sheepish side-grin and a wink upward, I clasp my hands together and close my eyes. I begin to pray, thanking Him for the gift that He has given us in our girl. The lessons that she teaches us. That God loves us enough to entrust us with her care. But mostly that our girl keeps me plugged into God, the ultimate source of soul connection and renewal!
Reflect:
1. With whom do you struggle to communicate? (Maybe they don’t have a cognitive or physical disability, but they have personality traits or habits that rub you the wrong way or prevent a healthy relationship.)
2. Write a prayer asking God to help sort out your struggle in His will.
Dive Deeper:
“Why Your Brand of Unique is Perfect” by Amy Carroll
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Hi, Allison. Your post touch my heart. I have a son with Autism and he’s speech delay as well. God is teaching me to look at my son the way Jesus did. Raising kids with a very special capabilities can be tiresome but when we focus on the promises of Christ that they will inherit the heaven and Earth- it’s all worth it.
Hi Kate! Thanks so much for stopping by! So glad my little post resonated with you! Big hugs to you and your sweet son. Yes, our kiddos with special needs point us to God every moment, everyday! Blessings to you and your family!
What a precious post. Thanks for sharing your heart and a glimpse of what you are going through. Keep writing! Moms of special needs children need encouragement. You are a gift.
Hi Char! Thanks for your continued support! Your encouragement and kind words are a gift too!
Beautiful post. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your deepest thoughts. Even thought my daughter Rachel who also has Down syndrome is quite verbal, I tool sit and wonder about the deeper thoughts in her sweet little mind. She does a lot of self-talk which gives us a window to her thoughts. I determined long ago that her simple faith, the one that is unashamed of the gospel and totally devoted to Christ, that’s what God really wants from all of us. Look forward to sharing more.
Hi Jawanda! Thanks so much for your support and kind words! Loved your insight as well – our kiddos’ innocence is such a gift!
Thanks for sharing life with your beautiful girl, via this post. Keep praying. God knows our heart’s desires. God is a god of the impossible. When you least expect it you will hear her say, ” I love you” and when she does you will know that He is God. God bless you and your family, Allison. 🙂
Hi Ivette! Thanks so much for stopping by today and for your kind words. Prayers and blessings right back atcha!
So beautiful, Allison. Grateful to meet you today and have a small perspective change on what we don’t get to understand (but long to for good reason!) in this lifetime. What a precious girl you have!
Hi Bethany! Thanks for stopping by today and for your kind words!
Blessings to you in your blogging journey! Heading your way now!
Beautifully written from the heart! I would love to use this as a guest pist on my blog Mom-Sense!
Hi again Betty! So glad we connected today! Would be more than happy to share this post as a guest post on Mom Sense! As a brand new blogger, I’m honored that you asked! Love your blog!
This made me cry- what a beautiful post. You are a gifted writer, Allison. When I first started reading “What is she thinking” I thought it could apply to any daughter….and it really can in different ways. Your post reminded me, that although my own two daughters do not have any difficulties expressing their thoughts verbally, maybe I am the one at fault and am not asking them enough or in the right way (especially my teen). You really made me stop and think Allison. Thank you. Your daughter is a blessing and thank you for sharing this with us all. It was helpful in ways you may not have initially intended/realized.
Wow, Allison! You’re right! I never considered your perspective, but I’m so glad you shared! God speaks in blessedly unexpected ways! Love ya, girl!
Beautiful post! Our twenty five year old daughter is mentally and physically challenged and her greatest gift is that she has taught me how to really hear her and subsequently others. She does not speak clearly so I listen carefully and to do that, I have learned that I have to quiet my ego. That may sound strange, but for a long time I listened with pre-conceived notions of what I thought she was saying and that led to so much frustration for both of us. When I laid down my own thoughts, I could hear hers. I’m learning how to do that with everyone, to listen with a clear heart that I might truly hear what they are saying. It is one of the many gifts that has come from loving this wonderful girl
Hi again Mary! Love that you have learned to check your ego to truly understand your daughter with special needs! Yes, God whispers His truth through our precious girls!